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The Question I’ve Avoided For 14 Years.. September 24, 2013

me and kam

Until tonight.

“Mom, why did you and dad get a divorce?”

Honestly, I’ve prepared myself for this moment for the last three or four years. I’ve gone through the situation in my head over and over again until it was completely exhausting. I’ve read books, watched so many Dr. Phil shows it’s almost embarrassing, but nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for tonight when my son asked me that question.

We were just sitting around the dining room table finishing up dinner and doing social studies notes when he looked at me straight in the face and asked “why did you and dad get a divorce?”kam glasses

I sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, it was probably only a couple of seconds, but it felt like the last fourteen years of my life has suddenly passed before my eyes. I looked across the table at Mr. D who looked as surprised as I was, anxiously waiting for me to answer. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I got my son into counseling about two months ago. He was having some anxiety about being in the eighth grade, high school, puberty, girls, friends, stress – I’m happy I found him someone to talk to, but I wasn’t expecting my usual non confrontational son to ask me about the end of our “happy” family at 7:30 on a Monday night.

The truth is, I should have seen this coming. He was questioning his dad (I use ‘dad’ very loosely) about why he didn’t get any one on one time with him. Why he wasn’t as important as his other kids. Why his “first son” wasn’t as important to him as his other children. I mean I gotta tell you, I’ve always encouraged some kid of relationship with his dad, no matter what it was, but his dad is a poor excuse for a dad. He’s an embarrassment if you want to really know the truth. If you don’t know me, I’m kind of a loud mouth, but I have made the exception with my son’s father, no matter what he says. I’ve watched enough Dr. Phil to know that children learn what they live, and saying something detrimental about his father would someday come back to bite me in the ass. He would resent me, it’s just a fact. I’ve kept my mouth shut, bitten my tongue more times than you can imagine, and it all comes down to that question.

I sat there and looked at my son waiting for him to look away, but this time he wasn’t looking away. He wanted answers, and I suppose it was high time I gave him the best answers I could. So I did.

kambo

I told him that his dad and I were married and that we were both very mean to each other. I told him that when I found out that I was pregnant with him, his dad and I were very excited and optimistic about the future. I told him that when he was born it was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me or his dad. I told him that when he was about a year old his dad and I started having problems, grown up problems, that didn’t have anything to do with him (even though I know kids have an amazing way to feel like everything is their fault.) I told him that we tried the best we could, but in the end, his dad and I decided that being together wasn’t the best thing for him. I did tell him that his dad and I did not do everything we could do to save our marriage. If I told him that we did it would be a lie, he was looking for answers, not lollipops and rainbows. I asked if he ever remembered his dad and I being together, he said no. Which I think is a blessing. I’ll admit I made mistakes, but I honestly gave my best effort the last time with his dad. In the end, he decided other things were more important, which reflects how he is today, and the relationship he has with his son.

The best part of this story is that my son has my husband Mr. D. He’s everything any kid would want in a father. He’s loving, appreciative, patient, kind, funny, responsive, active, I could go on and on, but I don’t want to inflate his ego…

Being in this position is terrible. It’s just a bad situation. The worst part is that I don’t have any answers for my son except for the answers I gave him tonight. I don’t know if that is the end of the questions, I doubt it. At least my answers now (I hope) ensures that he won’t hate me later. Maybe those answers he’s looking for he will figure out for himself, if he hasn’t already.

I know I’ve done my absolute best, I know it. I’m good with that.

 

“You Can’t Win Unless You Bet A Quarter!” January 21, 2012

Filed under: I am still learning,Stuff — stepheppichdaily @ 7:51 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Not a real quarter, like 0.25.  Quarter is “casino talk” for $25.o0.  At least to Clint, who was our Blackjack Dealer last night.  I asked him if his parents hated him (with a name like that) it was just going to be that kind of night.

“Our” being my Cousin and myself.  I don’t blog about my our little adventures. Not that we’re selfish people, we would like to spread our joy and happiness of what we refer to “Cousin Love”  amongst that masses.

This post is different because, well I have something I want to know.

Many of you know that I grow very tired of the people that my Cousin chooses to date, I basically hate them.  I would say that 75-80% of the people she chooses to spend time with aren’t really worthy of her time.  Not because they’re bad people, I just have a super sensitive sixth sense when it comes to my Cousin.  Like within five minutes I can tell if the guy is gonna make it longer than a couple of months. If he opens his mouth to speak, and something dumb comes out, that time can be cut in half.

So back to our hurah.  Cousin and I haven’t been out for awhile.  We decided gambling was the way to go.  Bright shiny lights, people watching, adult beverages, just good quality “cousin time.”

There is this guy that my Cousin has been seeing for like three months.  I didn’t like him.  He was weird, there is an oddness about this guy that gave me  the heebie geebies.  A couple of people that I know met him and agreed, although we couldn’t put our finger on it.    Anyway, we were going out, he knew that but she didn’t tell him where.  I think the description was, I’m going to her house and we’re going to “hang out.”  The small indiscretions is always a red flag.  Why not just say it?  Are you not an adult that can decide where you’re coming or going with or without the other person?  Especially if they’re as significant as you say they are, can’t you just say – “I’m going to _______ – we have someone to drive us and pick us up – I don’t know when I’ll be home, so I’ll text you or talk to you sometime tomorrow.”  That to me is reasonable, unless you’re dealing with a insecure, paranoid, know her cousin doesn’t like you – man.

We got to the place (Mr. D – who rocks – dropped us off.)  My Cousin cracks me up, “Bye Daddy” she says to Mr. D as he pulls away.   Cousin screws around on the slots, which irritates me.  I’ve never won any money on slots – so I follow her around – and make a few snide comments about her wasting time on them.  She ignores me.  I scope out Blackjack tables, telling her we need to get seated at one sometime soon.  (I mean damn, it’s Saturday night – tables fill up.)

We finally get to a table.  Blackjack tables are interesting places to be.  I like watching the interaction among players as much as I like playing the game.  You get all KINDS of people at a table.  The smelly guy that just got his Friday check sitting next to the guy in a Hillfiger sweather asking the dealer if he should split the pair of 7’s he’s got sitting in front of him.  Cousin and I are having fun.  I notice that she’s texting on her phone, as the night goes on – that’s not a good sign.  Nothing good can come from texting after a few drinks sitting at a casino – I mean – can I get an “Amen?”  Let it be for the night.

I start hearing about the weather, sleet, the roads are turning into a nightmare.  I look at my clock – it’s 10:00 – if the roads are really that bad, it’s going to take Mr. D awhile to get out to our destination, and I want him to be safe getting there, plus I want to get home safe.  Cousin in railing, disappearing, I could have easily sat there for another hour and lost the money that I was up.  I was over it, ready to go.

Mr. D shows up like the soldier he is.  Cousin and I pile ourselves in the car and we make our way back to Acton Road.   We get back to my house where the “COUSIN COME WATCH A MOVIE WITH ME” request starts.  We’re both tired and I know we’re both going to fall asleep within a matter of minutes.  Just for giggles I throw in “Delirious” (Eddie Murphy) and Mr. D are left there to watch while Cousin falls asleep in my recliner.

Now, this is where it gets interesting…

Dude, all I want to do is go to my comfy bed and go to sleep.  I heard the buzzing of Cousin’s iPhone.  I picked it up, and saw it was loverboy.

Total Disclaimer:  I picked up that phone with the sole intention of putting it on the charger and leaving well enough alone.  After a seeing it was the dummy and considering I had a couple of drinks I decided to look.  After all, Cousin said that she wasn’t texting him, and I wanted to see if she was full of it.  Of course she was…and he was, um, feeling insecure – AGAIN.  Ugh, it is such a turn off (to me) to get a text from an insecure guy late in the evening… Validate me..tell me I’m better than those other guys that I’ve mentioned in the text.

I tilt my head sideways and look at it again.  Seriously?  Did he just say that?  This guy is a flipping idiot, plus he insinuated that I would let her just randomly talk, or hook up, or whatever with some guy because “I want to drive him away.”   Is he 12?

I sat there for a moment and thought, since he started it….My fingers responded…… This is exactly what I said at 11:49 PM.

“You know what you idiot, she’s asleep at my house.  have a great night.  Xo, Steph 🙂 ”

I had to add the smiley face.

At 1:20 AM he responded “well, that’s good.  thanks steph.”

Dude, I was in la la land…

The at 1:36 AM he decided to go on his “goodbye Dawn” rant.  Which referenced “tell Steph thanks for ending us!”

Ok, so I was a little whatever.  This guy is saying that he has someone over to change his locks in the wee hours of the morning – it’s sleeting dude – you’re a drama queen, stupid, insecure, pathetic liar.

So, he’s blocked her phone number and her daughters – after he texted her (in the early AM)  and said “you’re mom is going to need a lot of support after she’s realized what she’s done.”   Yeah, cause getting a 17 year old is CLEARLY going to help your case – crazy.

Ok, so I was quazi wrong.  In the grand scheme things – I wasn’t wrong, he’s an idiot.

So what say you?