Time check 2:15 am. I haven’t been able to sleep for a couple of days.
The anticipation of Father’s Day this year has been more than I could handle. I’ve had numerous people tell me when you lose someone it “gets easier with time.” Well, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t. I don’t miss my Dad any less. I still think about him everyday. I still pick up my phone just out of habit to call him about something. Then I realize that he’s not going to answer and I start to cry. The only thing that has changed really is sometimes I can talk about him, or tell a story about him and laugh. I use to just not talk or keep those moments to myself because I never knew how I would react. Would I turn into Stephanie the bitch, or would I be Stephanie the hysterical crier? Either way, I wasn’t going to show that part of myself to anyone. That is what therapists are for dammit. Connie the shrink gets all the good stuff.
This year I was trying to decide if I was going to go out to the mausoleum where my Dad’s urn is placed. It’s a pretty place as far as mausoleums go. I went last year on Father’s Day sat on the floor, and talked to my Dad. Well, I cried mostly, but I did talk to him. I didn’t feel peace when I was there. I didn’t know why then but I know why now.
A few days ago I had some running around to do in Greenwood. I was in-between places and I had to go to the restroom. I’m weird about public restrooms unless it’s an emergency. You’ll see me with pee coming out my ears before I’d go in one of those port-a-potty things. Anyway, I was a few minutes away from my parents house. I figured I’d run in, run out and be on my way.
I went into the house directly to the restroom. Got out and stood in the middle of the living room. My parents bought a leather two seat recliner that they both loved. My mom had one side and my dad had the other. Over the last few years I’ve seen people plop down on my dad’s side and it irritated me. Who are they that they can just sit there? I know it’s over the top but I’ve never sat in my dads seat. Never in all this time. For some reason that day I decided to sit down. I didn’t think anything magical would happen, I just wanted to sit in my dad’s chair.
I sat there for a few minutes with my eyes closed, satisfied that I was finally ready to sit there. It may seem illogical to some but to me it made perfect sense.
Then something happened. What felt like a light, delicate feather brushed against my right cheek. I didn’t open my eyes, I just sat there and touched my cheek.
I left shortly after and thought why go do the mausoleum? My Dad is always with me. He’s around my neck on a thumbprint necklace I never take off. He’s in my tattoos. He’s in the music I listen to. He’s the voice I hear when I need advice. He’s the guy playing games with my tv, it keeps turning on and off for no reason.
While I wish more than anything he was actually here with me. What would I say to my Dad if I had only five minutes to say anything? He would want me to keep it simple.
I love you Dad, so very very much.
So where can we get some fried cheese curds, a brat, and a PBR?